Category Archives: Ruminations

Summer’s Eve

So. Close… Summer.

Summer (or Frappuccino Season if you’re an avid Act Normalite) is when America comes alive. It’s so close I can taste it: shorts, BBQ’s, flip-flops, margaritas, sunny dispositions, hula-hoops and the beach. Sorry I’ve been lagging in posts lately, the lead-up to summer is a busy time at work. After memorial day I’ll have much more free time. So chill the eff out, already.

Sucks if you live in Montana… it’s snowing there. NOT HERE SUCKASSSSSS!!

(Photo via suttonhoo, Flickr)

Life’s a Drag

Based on the title of this post, you may have drawn the conclusion that I’m in a bad mood today. Well it’s quite the opposite. I meant drag as in drag queen, you sillypuss! What if you could live your entire life as a drag queen?

What a spectacle that would be.

I’ve always been fascinated by drag queens. As a young boy growing up in Australia I learned early on about the art of female impersonation. Drag shows are very popular in the major cities (especially Sydney) and it is not all that taboo for straight couples to go to dinner and a show. My first immersion into drag queen performances came with the 1994 Australian film, “The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.” I was 12 and attending an all-boys school; but this utterly hilarious, over-the-top and unforgettable movie changed my life. It was equal parts ridiculous and poignant, offering a glimpse into the lives and mindsets of three gay men (who just happened to be stars in the Sydney drag circuit) traveling by bus across the Australian desert to perform at a remote casino . While helping me understand that gay people were more than glitter and dresses, it also sparked a pension for spotlights and a morbid fear of ping-pong balls…

It comes as no surprise then that one of my favorite books (a memoir) titled, “I Am Not Myself These Days” explores the sordid double life of a advertising professional slash drag queen struggling to survive in NYC in the 1990s. I highly recommend. So, in honor of International Pinch a Drag Queen Day (I kinda made that up) I leave you with a quote and a clip. A quote from author Josh Kilmer-Purcell and a clip of the grand finale performance from Priscilla (with a few other random scenes spliced in).

“I am not an alcoholic. I’m a social catalyst. People pay me to illustrate for other partygoers the chemical process involved in transforming from one persona into another drunker, more fun one. It’s a matter of going from dull point A to exciting point B. And I’m a raving success at it. So successful that sometimes I wind up at Mysterious Point C.”
— Josh Kilmer-Purcell (I Am Not Myself These Days: A Memoir)

Happy 1st Anniversary

Yeehaw!! Today marks the ONE YEAR anniversary of Act Normal! How exciting. Special thanks to me for writing every post, me for thinking up the content for every post, me for finding the pictures and videos to put in every post, YOU for reading the posts that I wrote and to the people of the world for continuing to act like the crazy, moronic, emphatic, glittery, wonderful, insane, unpredictable, troglodytes they are!

Over the past year we’ve seen some surprising stats for the blog (at least I was surprised, being the site’s most loyal reader)

67, 240 total visitors

180 visitors per day (on average)

8,244 visitors in October 2009 (our most popular month)

1,097,345 LOLs (an average of 31,352 LOLs per post!)

The most popular posts are Here Come the Furries and Urkel = Hipster Fashion God… weirdos.

So, in conclusion: screw hipsters, watch out for mean girls, gay is good, keep yiffing, wear teal, yes you did that, and happy iced to see you time!

Keep acting “normal”

Rob

Sixteen Years

A lot can happen in 16 years: A child can grow to get their license; inventions like the internet can completely transform the way we communicate; polar bears can lose their homes; and musical divas can flush their singing careers down the toilet like an empty bag of crack [is whack] cocaine…

It pains me to write this, but in 16 years the former goddess, Whitney Houston, has: smoked 16,000 light bulbs; broken every mirror in Los Angeles, helped develop a new line of vacuums with her patented, “Dyson snorting method”, and permanently lost her voice from repeatedly yelling “BOBBAAAAAAYY.”

What a difference 16 years can make. Disagree? Below are two performances of her smash hit, “I  Will Always Love You.” The first, an incredible performance at the 1994 Grammys, and second a recent live performance in Brisbane, Australia.

1994

2010

The moral of this story: UGHHH damnit, Whitney I loooved you!!!! :”'(

Queens of the Screen

I saw a recent blog post which highlighted 15 “gay” TV characters that never came out. Seeing as though I am too young to have watched most of those characters, and in honor of yesterday’s “National Coming Out Day” I decided to put together my own list.

I give you, the top five gayest male TV characters that never come out:

5. Niles the Butler

Niles was the butler for Mr. Sheffield on one of the campiest sitcoms of all time, “The Nanny.” Niles was known for dishing out one-liners and quips to everyone in sight, most notably to C.C., the New York socialite, business partner to Mr. Sheffield. When asked in one episode what his last name was he replied, “I only have one name… like Cher!”

niles

4. Salem the Cat

Salem is the sharp-tongued, talking cat on “Sabrina, the Teenage Witch.” Like Niles the Butler he is known for delivering puns, one-liners and questionable advice to those around him. Some of his favorite pastimes are: playing with yarn, lint spotting, surfing the internet and reading Sabrina’s diary. FAIRY KITTY!

Salem
3. Vanity Smurf

Wikipedia says it perfectly, without even attempting to prove my point: “Vanity Smurf is the epitome of a Narcissist. He has a flower in his hat, and he often holds a hand mirror, staring into his own reflection, which he kisses often. In the Hanna-Barbera cartoon, Vanity speaks in an effeminate voice.”


vanitysmurf
2. Snagglepuss

Although Snagglepuss first sashayed onto the scene in the late 1950’s, Hannah Barberra cartoons have always maintained their popularity (i think?). He is a pink lion (gay), makes constant allusions to theatrical stage directions (gay gay), and became famous for his signature catchphrase, “Heavens to Murgatroyd!” (GAY GAY GAY). No-one has any idea what the eff Murgatroyd is, but gay men love to make things up.

snagglepuss

1. Waylon Smithers

If you aren’t convinced about this executive assistant’s sexual orientation you’re probably a tea-bagger and should KYS. For you viewing pleasure:

The Four Seasons of Starbucks

The return of the ever-popular Pumpkin Spice Latte really made me realize how much of a cultural effect Sbux has on many people’s lives. Take me for example, I have forgotten what the real names of seasons are altogether! Here is a breakdown of the seasons I follow, as dictated by my friendly (every other) corner coffee shop:

Pumpkin Spice Latte Time (season formerly known as fall and/or autumn)

Defined by slowly falling temperatures & leaves, earlier dusks, unpolished attempts at layering and pumpkin-flavored coffee and treats!! Halloween? More like Hall-o-whattya-mean!

pumpkinspice1pumpkin-spice-latte-sign-

Red Cup Season (formerly winter or “the holidays”)

The day I walk into Starbucks and see that cheerful stack of red cups swaying next to the espresso machine, I automatically put on a scarf and start watching Home Alone. Gingerbread lattes, Egg-nog lattes, PEPPERMINT MOCHAS!! Oh man I can’t wait for red cup season.

Red+Starbucks+Cup

starbucks-holiday-drinks-peppermint-mocha

Ice to See You Time (formerly spring)

I pretty much drink iced coffee all year round. I just prefer it, unless I’m freezing. When the weather starts to warm up and pastel colors adorn the Starbucks chalk-boards I know it’s time for the iced coffee drinkers to come out of hiding and proudly display their love of iced beverages! That magical sound the ice scoop makes sings in harmony with the birds flying North.

iced_coffee_starbucks

Frappuccino Season (formerly summer)

I must say my disdain for this season stems not from swampy temperatures and masses of tourists, but the length of time I have to wait while sweating baristas fumble over 20 orders of different flavored blended drinks. If you want a milkshake go to Johnny Rockets and have a milkshake! Gah! I do love the Frappuccino season deals on drinks, though 🙂

mocha-coco-frappuccino britney-starbucks

Is That What You Had Said?

One of the great things about living in DC is the exposure you get to the various subcultures of trashy people. Being the number one destination for patriotic REAL Americans taking their summer vacations offers a window into some amaze-balls people. I always enjoy seeing the unsuspecting Iowan family clad in Old Navy jeans and  “I [heart] DC” shirts stumble into the gayborhood looking for a place to eat. Welcome to our nation’s capital! You’ll be happy to know that this city is basically run by the gays 🙂

IHeartDC

Then there’s the locals. Everyone knows DC has a terrible problem of economic disparity between different parts of the city. In most cities the service jobs at places like Starbucks and fast food restaurants are filled with part-time, younger student types but in DC most of these positions are taken by full-time trash-tastic residents of DC’s less fortunate neighborhoods…

Coming from Seattle I am used to Starbucks employees being annoyingly nice and helpful, always trying to get your order perfectly right and selling you on buying more pastries and mugs to accessorize your iced grande, triple shot, skim, no whip, extra ice, caramel macchiato. It was quite a shock to me when I moved here and realized that placing your order usually comes at a time when the employee does NOT want to deal with you…which is always. I’ve been ignored, talked back to, told to wait, laughed at, talked about, and amazingly – asked for my receipt to prove I wasn’t lying when they forgot to make my drink and almost made to dig it out of the trash! Some people call it infuriating, I call it DC Charm!

Welcometosbux

I have a feeling a lot of people find secret joy out of these terrible examples of customer service. To celebrate I present one of the best characters from MAD TV, Bon Qui Qui: